On Becoming Oneself and the Necessity of Honesty

We all lie. We lie to others. We lie to God. We certainly lie to ourselves. But what's behind this? I have been pondering the importance of being honest with oneself lately and how that relates to the "self" one presents in everyday life. We exist always between the reality of our lives and some fabrication that insists "everything is just fine." At least, I know I do. In The Brothers Karamazov, the elder Zosima reminds papa Karamazov to quit lying to himself, as if this were the source of the man's pain and dissatisfaction with himself and his life. I don't really even know what this means - do not lie to yourself - though I'm sure I have done it just about every day of my life. I hate the confidence with which I can say that. I am a liar, plain and simple. How, then, does one fix this? Am I, are we, just destined to live forever in this dishonest and disconnected manner? What keeps us in this paralyzing cycle of continually lying to ourselves and those around us? 

Perhaps we are afraid that we will not be loved. This itself is a dilemma because if we are hiding our true selves in order to maintain some image of a healthy, functional, non-real person, we still fail to be loved. We hide behind the mask of this non-self and become so uncomfortable with the thought of the face behind the mask encountering the world, that we let few get a glimpse of the real us. More often than not, unsurprisingly, the face behind the mask isn't all too shocking. It's broken, yes, but indisputably lovable. Through habit, however, we remain behind the mask, and it always gets more difficult to let our guard fall from our faces. It really is sad.

If, however, we could begin this process of being honest to ourselves, we might begin to see that there is hope for us as individuals and as a world. I know that I can often get into a groove of thinking about how messy I am and how no one would want to associate with me and blah blah blah, out come all the lies that I have told myself for twenty-three years. Enough is enough. Yes, I am messy. No, my mess is not scary. It is something to come to vis a vis, and not run away from thinking that the real me has nothing to offer. And this is what the heart of existence is - to integrate who we are called to be with who we truly are, not with who we think is the winning face of ourselves, our false selves. This fear of not being loved, living in shame of the things we have done and the person we've become, is crippling. It is bound to lead to a long, lonely, loveless life. How can we have company or love if those around us are constantly interacting with someone, some face, that doesn't really exist?

All we want is for people to be honest with us about who they are, and that is really all others want from us. People aren't nearly as interested in our lies as we think they are. I know I'm not, so I guess I can only assume that others aren't. But if they truly aren't (as I suspect), then why continue this charade? I ask myself this question as much as I ask anybody else. Why do we keep up this masquerade? My true desire is to be seen for who I really am. What a freeing life that would be.

Christians, especially, should be on this never-ending quest to become their true selves. Of course, we've got an upper hand on the whole ordeal. The only key to healing is a relationship of love with God. It is only his love that can work this out in us. We must, however, be receptive to that love. We must be willing for this integrating, painful work to be done. I say painful because when we realize and see through the lies that we have told ourselves for years and years, it is not going to be a pretty picture. There is some serious work to be done in tandem with the Lord, but it is all necessary work. And to kick it all off, we need to get real. We need to stop lying to ourselves and know that we are loved. Christ, who knows our deepest darkest secrets, who knows our true identity, who knows us for who we really are, loves us and by that we are made lovable. Accepting that truth, believing it is what prepares us for the hard work of letting false faces fade and enables us to live in truth.