Here I sit, right now. Right now. This moment. This instant. It’s the only one I have. How can I sit around and expect to amount to something “one day?” That’s a little presumptuous, I think. I can’t expect that I can just sit around on life and that the same blessings, same gifts will be accessible to me. Marianne said that my father had gifts, too, but he let them die. He failed to become a man and let his blessings fall to crap, and he curled up around the big pile he made for himself. He died that way.
What, then, can I do with what my gifts are right now? Do I need to focus on them, or do I simply continue to repent and do all I can to serve God in whatever way possible? Yes. Obviously, I do that. That seems like a no-brainer of Christian life. Why is it so hard to do, then? I guess I’m just so unable to live in the present moment of things that I let everything that is good about me go to waste. I don’t value where God has placed me enough. I continue to be presumptuous and think that “the golden job” will simply fall into my lap. No. That’s no way to live.
I was thinking about the whole “saved by grace through faith” dilemma. I remember growing up thinking that all my faith was supposed to do was deliver me from hell, and it was grace because I didn’t deserve to be saved from hell. Not entirely so. My priest yesterday was talking about the synergy of the Christian’s relationship with God. Faith is action. It makes sense. It’s not that I’m saved by the deeds that confirm faith, but it’s sort of like thinking of God’s grace of salvation as a train. Faith is the vehicle that gets me to the train station. Even that is a flawed analogy, but I guess it helps to think about what exactly the nature of faith should be, though. It’s what enables us to get nailed by grace. And faith is something that can only happen in this present moment. Any other time is either presumption/despair (future) or regret (past). I constantly must put myself in the way of God. He’s waiting for me to do it, but he’s not going to force me to. He’s a very patient God.
So, why do I insist on waiting? What am I waiting for anyway? What keeps me from running straight into the arms of God, my Father, the Giver of all good things?
Fear. Plain and simple. Fear coupled with despair. Wow. Is that really it? It must be.
It is in every moment that I am able to turn to him. This present reality is God’s greatest gift. It is there that God can hit me. If the present reality is ever before me, how can I fail to see my need for him and his grace and his love for mankind? If I stay here, stay in the room, I will see the people God has placed before me and the joy of the world. It is impossible to miss. “May those who have eyes, see, and those who have ears, hear.” God, make me worthy to see and hear. How can I see something or hear something if I am not around to hear it? How can I experience life if I don’t show up for it? Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner.
So if I remain present and focus on the ineffable goodness of God’s love and the insurmountable heights of his glory and grace, that means I acknowledge God’s wisdom in making me a part of the present reality. Right? I don’t disappear from it, but have a place in the world, a place in the room. If I fail to acknowledge my place in the reality that God has ordained, I still fail to be present. So I must recognize my proper place in that reality, and along with that goes acknowledgment of gifts and weaknesses. Acknowledging gifts can seem haughty, but if it is coupled with acknowledgment of crippling fear and impeding despair, there is healing, joy, and grace. Praise be to God for this.
So why is it so difficult to embrace gifts of God? If I embrace them as characteristics of myself, truly I become proud and make way for every other sin to enter - especially despair. If, however, I acknowledge them as gifts, I am compelled to use them humbly. God, have mercy. What a strange paradox humanity is. So why do I think that my resistance to embrace the gifts God has given me is the humble route? It’s not. It’s the most proud way there could possibly be. “I know I have these gifts, but I’m not going to use them.” What the hell, man? Who do I think I am? More importantly, what gives me the right?
Marianne told me recently, “Stop messing with the DNA that God gave you, and embrace it.”
Awesome.
How do I do that? How, how, how?
By getting present. Yes. Be where you are, with whom you are. “Draw near to Christ and he will draw near to you.” What are these gifts that he has given me? I guess I’m afraid to find out. I don’t want to be one of the servants who lets his talents go to waste, not yielding return on them. More than that, though, I don’t want to be a servant with talents at all. Since, however, that is a ridiculous thing to ask because I can’t do anything about what God has given me. I can either embrace and love it or reject it and hide, and so, become my father who let his talents go to waste, burying them underground. Not wanting gifts is basically like saying that I don’t want to even be alive at all. “I hate to breathe, so I refuse to acknowledge the existence of air.” Preposterous, at best. Is there a difference between the things I love and the things I am good at? Maybe not. As with anything, it takes training. So, maybe, while I love loving people, and am not good at it, I can see this as a gift of mine. I fail to love perfectly - duh - but that doesn’t mean that I can’t grow in love, right? The talents of Christ yield great return only when they are put to use. So that means I might lose some gain before it’s made up and ends up being more than I was given originally. Right? I love writing, but that means I’m going to have to write some pretty terrible things before I get it right, doesn’t it? I can’t just walk into a conversation about philosophy (though I love it) and get anything out of it unless I first misunderstand. It is through this haziness and imperfection that more clarity and wholeness is brought about.
So instead of messing with this DNA that God has given me - the DNA that longs for connection with other people - I should embrace it and get used to the fact that I WILL NOT LOVE PERFECTLY. It simply can’t be done, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t redemption or hope. Thank God for his abundant mercy and love!
My main gift is that I am a people person. I thank you, O God, for this gift! My desire is to help them. I long to see others become fulfilled in God’s love and grace and to realize and actualize their callings. I want to bless all the world. I want to love everyone. I want to see and embrace others indiscriminately. I don’t want to hate anyone for anything or judge them for any misdeed. People are not the summation of their failings, but are the image of God. We are called to glory. We are called to forgiveness. We are called to resurrection from death. Who among us has not sinned? Who among us has not hated? Who among us is without hope? There is no such thing - if so, what kind of God do we worship? What kind of God is he who lets people perish hopelessly from the face of the earth? But he is not that God. He is a good God who restores the lost and seeks the sick. Praise be to him, now and always!
Teach me, O Lord. Break me. Humble me. Restore me. Strike me down and raise me up that I may forever call on your name. Teach me to love others as you do. This is my desire. To minister to the broken, to offer help to the helpless, to preach healing of the soul and body. There is grace. There is love. There is you, O Lord.
Have mercy, O God. Have mercy. Lord, heal us. Save us. Protect us. Help us embrace the gifts you have given us and teach us to use them for your glory and for the good of the world and the Church.
Christ is in our midst.
He is and ever shall be.
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